Taking Over
This painting represents someone with PTSD in general, but also more specifically, my step-mom.
Colors Used:
Burnt Sienna
Burnt Umber
Permanent Magenta
Cadmium Red
Cadmium Yellow Pale Hue
Ultramarine Blue
Black
White
I chose these colors because they compliment my theme and I feel as though they are very powerful colors.
Materials Used:
Acrylic Paint
Makeup sponges
Paintbrushes
Canvas
Acrylic paint is my favorite medium to work with. I used make up sponges to represent how we use make up to mask our imperfections.
Color Scheme: Purple/Yellow
This color scheme goes well with my project because my step-mom’s favorite color is purple and its complimentary color is yellow.
Colors Used:
Burnt Sienna
Burnt Umber
Permanent Magenta
Cadmium Red
Cadmium Yellow Pale Hue
Ultramarine Blue
Black
White
I chose these colors because they compliment my theme and I feel as though they are very powerful colors.
Materials Used:
Acrylic Paint
Makeup sponges
Paintbrushes
Canvas
Acrylic paint is my favorite medium to work with. I used make up sponges to represent how we use make up to mask our imperfections.
Color Scheme: Purple/Yellow
This color scheme goes well with my project because my step-mom’s favorite color is purple and its complimentary color is yellow.
Riding the Rails |
| ||
As I stand in line waiting to load the train, I reach into my pocket to retrieve my ticket. Getting closer to the train, I see the woman in front of me looking at the infinite trail of box cars. "It sure is a long train, huh," I said. She turns around and looks down at me then turns back and looks at the train again. " Yeah, it seems endless."
1J...1K...1L...Oh here we go, 1M. (The woman in 2M looks up at me with a panicked look.) "Oh hey, you’re the woman who was in front of me in line. I didn’t catch your name earlier. What is it?"
“Nadine” she says.
"Nice to meet you Nadine, I’m Isobel. So where are you headed?"
“I’m not sure. I’m still trying to figure that out.”
We sit there in silence and I observe Nadine as the train begins its route. She gives off this weird vibe but I'm not sure what it is. Nadine seems zoned out with a frightened look. I follow her eyes to the bathroom. That's strange. I wonder if that's just where she's looking or if she's actually afraid of something. Well, doesn't hurt to ask I guess. "Uh, Nadine?"
"Huh?" she said with a concerned look.
"Are you okay? You seem seem a little scared."
"Oh, yeah. I just remembered something."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Ummm..."
“You seem to be carrying more than just your actual luggage with you today.”
"Well your ticket kind of triggered the first memory. 1M reminds me of March 1st which was my breaking point. That day had a huge effect on my life."
"What happened that day?"
“Well, Isobel, I was at work and there were a bunch of construction workers there. People were in and out and when I went to leave work, I saw -- I usually make rounds before I leave work and I make sure all the doors are closed, lights out and stuff. That night though, I was in a hurry to leave. I was there late because of all the stuff that was being done. On my way out, I saw a light on in the bathroom and it was right across from the elevator. I thought nah -- the cleaning lady, Kelly, can turn the lights out when she comes to clean. So, I came home, didn’t really think about it.”
“Did you listen just to see if you heard anything in that moment?”
“I didn’t really listen because I was just so focused on leaving since I was there later than I wanted to be. I was just in a hurry and I had assumed that one of the guys working there that day, had turned the light on and just forgot to turn it off.”
“Excuse me ladies, can I get either of you a soda or snack?”
"Not right now, thank you though. Nadine, do you want anything?"
"I'm not feeling the best. I'll take a ginger ale and some crackers please."
Turning back to Nadine I say, " Sorry, continue."
“ It's all right. We went out for dinner at Cheddar's that night. While we were there, Kelly called me. She said, “Nadine, the light in the bathroom is on and the door is locked.” I started to tell her where the key was to unlock the bathroom and then I said eh, you know what Kelly, nevermind. I told her, I have to come in tomorrow anyways because it’s suppose to snow and I was gonna collect patients names. I will unlock it tomorrow. So that was the end of that conversation.”
"It's crazy how vivid the memory seems for you."
"Very vivid. So I went in the next morning and I didn’t unlock the door right away. I sat down and was doing some work and after a couple hours I decided to go unlock the bathroom. When I did, there was what looked like a pile of clothes. I couldn’t see the guy’s head or arms or anything because he was all crumpled up. But then I said to myself, who left those clothes there -- though I knew that it was more than that because there was this huge puddle of blood.... I realized that somebody had died. I called my boss. He came in and we called the police. Turns out the guy -- when they turned him over, he had a needle stuck in his arm. They found out--well they thought it was heroin but it turns out it was 100% fentanyl. A narcotic that he injected himself with. I found out later the he was 19 years old, had watched his dad kill his mom when he was 10 and then his dad shot himself. And that was that.”
“Here you go ma’am, if I can help you with anything else just let me know.”
“Thank you.”
Nadine opened up the can of soda and crackers. She took a bite of a cracker and whispered under her breath, “If only it were that easy.” Then she looked up at me, paused for a second and said, I’m sorry, where was I at?”
“Well what was running through your head through all of that?"
“When it first happened and when I first opened the door, I just kinda stood there. I was frozen but at the same time there was this rush. I felt my legs get really warm and it just worked its way up. My heart started racing and I began to panic. My first thought was who killed him? Who’s in here? Are they still here? Are they gonna kill me too? Then when I finally realized -- well more like when it actually hit me, I just panicked. I started screaming but there was nobody else there. I was there by myself.”
“Gosh Nadine, that must have been so scary to be the only one there while discovering it. So how long has it been since this day?”
“It’s been about a year and a half.”
“Okay, so even though it’s been a year and a half since this happened, does it feel different when you walk into work now? You said the bathroom is right across from the elevator and that’s one of the first things you see, so do you automatically think of that when you see the door?”
“It’s funny that you asked that question because last night -- mostly everybody has been aware of that and they try to help me out by making sure that light in particular is out when they leave. Once again though, I was the last one to leave. The light was on and the door was closed. I freaked out. While standing in the elevator I had pretty much the same reaction that I had that day because I questioned, was somebody in there? Should I go back? -- But I can’t. I physically can’t and I haven’t been able to go in there. If lightbulbs need to be changed or whatever, I just can’t go in there.”
“I can’t imagine how much of an effect this has had on you.”
“Well I think that -- there’s been a multitude of emotions that I go through. There’s a fear like with what we just talked about, with going down the elevator every morning and seeing that. Also just the emotions affected with it and I have taken on a lot of guilt. If you listen to the news, you hear a lot of how this scenario is very common. It has become so common that you can actually go into a pharmacy and pick up a drug that can bring somebody back. So if you wanted you could go into Rite Aid without a prescription and get the drug. It’s something that we actually have, obviously, at the surgical center. Yes the police, the coroner and everybody said he was dead instantly but I don’t know where he was at in the whole process when I left on Friday. Now there’s such a big part of me that just wishes I could have stopped it.”
“You must have been dealing with a lot of emotions, huh?”
“Yeah, definitely the guilt, fear in multiple ways, and I get spooked easily. If I’m at work or at home, and if lights are on and doors are shut, that triggers all of that. Say if my daughters are gone for the weekend or if one of them just left. If somebody forgot to turn the light off in the bathroom upstairs, knowing that they all left and my husband is downstairs, well who’s in the bathroom?”
“Well who or what has been most helpful to you along the way?”
“My husband has put up with me. He understands me when I feel like nobody else does. He tries to help me, but it’s hard to help someone in this situation. Sometimes I just have to go to my special spot by myself that no one knows of. I go there and think even though I don’t always know what I’m thinking about.”
“That’s great that he’s there for you and can help you in some ways.”
“Well I guess but the depression and anxiety kinda unintentionally interfere with relationships, so it’s hard for him to help me. And this may just be me, but sometimes I feel like other people are judging me because it’s been so hard for me. When the police were there and I was all frantic, the officer looked at me and said, “You’re a nurse, you’ve seen dead people before.” He didn’t understand though that it wasn’t the dead person that freaked me out. In one sense it was but it was more so the situation. You don’t understand why it happens. I used to work in the emergency room and I’ve been around the trauma before. I’ve seen dead people before but it’s just a crazy circumstance. You just don’t have control over it-- it almost controls you. People don’t understand. It’s not that I choose to be this way. It’s not that I don’t want to get better. It is what it is though and I’m trying to get help.”
“I’m glad that you have been putting in effort towards recovering though.”
A voice came over the intercom stating that my stop was next. I begin to gather my belongings as Nadine wraps up her story.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that-- what’s kind of ironic is that right around the same time this happened with me, one of the guys who comes in to do preventive maintenance for us, had a situation with himself. He found a lump on his head and ended up being off work for 3-4 months. He came back and he was so freaked out about the whole situation. His boss and I talked and he said you know, “People just can’t judge how a person reacts to a stressful situation.” A lot of times, PTSD has to do with previous traumatic experiences. You don’t know how many it can be until PTSD is triggered. In talking with my therapist, there was physical, emotional, and verbal abuse with my ex. And my son almost died a couple times. My therapist said that with each traumatic experience, it’s that much harder to bounce back. It’s the whole idea of the unknown. You don’t know when it can happen or what will trigger it.”
Nadine paused, and took a deep breath. “I never really understood post traumatic stress disorder until I was diagnosed with it.”
“Alright Nadine, this is my stop. I wish we could continue to talk. I really appreciate you opening up to me and sharing your story. Maybe if you still find yourself riding the rails when I’m ready to head home, we will meet again. ‘Till then Nadine.” She looked up at me with the saddest eyes but softest smile and pleasantly said, “I’d like that.”
1J...1K...1L...Oh here we go, 1M. (The woman in 2M looks up at me with a panicked look.) "Oh hey, you’re the woman who was in front of me in line. I didn’t catch your name earlier. What is it?"
“Nadine” she says.
"Nice to meet you Nadine, I’m Isobel. So where are you headed?"
“I’m not sure. I’m still trying to figure that out.”
We sit there in silence and I observe Nadine as the train begins its route. She gives off this weird vibe but I'm not sure what it is. Nadine seems zoned out with a frightened look. I follow her eyes to the bathroom. That's strange. I wonder if that's just where she's looking or if she's actually afraid of something. Well, doesn't hurt to ask I guess. "Uh, Nadine?"
"Huh?" she said with a concerned look.
"Are you okay? You seem seem a little scared."
"Oh, yeah. I just remembered something."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Ummm..."
“You seem to be carrying more than just your actual luggage with you today.”
"Well your ticket kind of triggered the first memory. 1M reminds me of March 1st which was my breaking point. That day had a huge effect on my life."
"What happened that day?"
“Well, Isobel, I was at work and there were a bunch of construction workers there. People were in and out and when I went to leave work, I saw -- I usually make rounds before I leave work and I make sure all the doors are closed, lights out and stuff. That night though, I was in a hurry to leave. I was there late because of all the stuff that was being done. On my way out, I saw a light on in the bathroom and it was right across from the elevator. I thought nah -- the cleaning lady, Kelly, can turn the lights out when she comes to clean. So, I came home, didn’t really think about it.”
“Did you listen just to see if you heard anything in that moment?”
“I didn’t really listen because I was just so focused on leaving since I was there later than I wanted to be. I was just in a hurry and I had assumed that one of the guys working there that day, had turned the light on and just forgot to turn it off.”
“Excuse me ladies, can I get either of you a soda or snack?”
"Not right now, thank you though. Nadine, do you want anything?"
"I'm not feeling the best. I'll take a ginger ale and some crackers please."
Turning back to Nadine I say, " Sorry, continue."
“ It's all right. We went out for dinner at Cheddar's that night. While we were there, Kelly called me. She said, “Nadine, the light in the bathroom is on and the door is locked.” I started to tell her where the key was to unlock the bathroom and then I said eh, you know what Kelly, nevermind. I told her, I have to come in tomorrow anyways because it’s suppose to snow and I was gonna collect patients names. I will unlock it tomorrow. So that was the end of that conversation.”
"It's crazy how vivid the memory seems for you."
"Very vivid. So I went in the next morning and I didn’t unlock the door right away. I sat down and was doing some work and after a couple hours I decided to go unlock the bathroom. When I did, there was what looked like a pile of clothes. I couldn’t see the guy’s head or arms or anything because he was all crumpled up. But then I said to myself, who left those clothes there -- though I knew that it was more than that because there was this huge puddle of blood.... I realized that somebody had died. I called my boss. He came in and we called the police. Turns out the guy -- when they turned him over, he had a needle stuck in his arm. They found out--well they thought it was heroin but it turns out it was 100% fentanyl. A narcotic that he injected himself with. I found out later the he was 19 years old, had watched his dad kill his mom when he was 10 and then his dad shot himself. And that was that.”
“Here you go ma’am, if I can help you with anything else just let me know.”
“Thank you.”
Nadine opened up the can of soda and crackers. She took a bite of a cracker and whispered under her breath, “If only it were that easy.” Then she looked up at me, paused for a second and said, I’m sorry, where was I at?”
“Well what was running through your head through all of that?"
“When it first happened and when I first opened the door, I just kinda stood there. I was frozen but at the same time there was this rush. I felt my legs get really warm and it just worked its way up. My heart started racing and I began to panic. My first thought was who killed him? Who’s in here? Are they still here? Are they gonna kill me too? Then when I finally realized -- well more like when it actually hit me, I just panicked. I started screaming but there was nobody else there. I was there by myself.”
“Gosh Nadine, that must have been so scary to be the only one there while discovering it. So how long has it been since this day?”
“It’s been about a year and a half.”
“Okay, so even though it’s been a year and a half since this happened, does it feel different when you walk into work now? You said the bathroom is right across from the elevator and that’s one of the first things you see, so do you automatically think of that when you see the door?”
“It’s funny that you asked that question because last night -- mostly everybody has been aware of that and they try to help me out by making sure that light in particular is out when they leave. Once again though, I was the last one to leave. The light was on and the door was closed. I freaked out. While standing in the elevator I had pretty much the same reaction that I had that day because I questioned, was somebody in there? Should I go back? -- But I can’t. I physically can’t and I haven’t been able to go in there. If lightbulbs need to be changed or whatever, I just can’t go in there.”
“I can’t imagine how much of an effect this has had on you.”
“Well I think that -- there’s been a multitude of emotions that I go through. There’s a fear like with what we just talked about, with going down the elevator every morning and seeing that. Also just the emotions affected with it and I have taken on a lot of guilt. If you listen to the news, you hear a lot of how this scenario is very common. It has become so common that you can actually go into a pharmacy and pick up a drug that can bring somebody back. So if you wanted you could go into Rite Aid without a prescription and get the drug. It’s something that we actually have, obviously, at the surgical center. Yes the police, the coroner and everybody said he was dead instantly but I don’t know where he was at in the whole process when I left on Friday. Now there’s such a big part of me that just wishes I could have stopped it.”
“You must have been dealing with a lot of emotions, huh?”
“Yeah, definitely the guilt, fear in multiple ways, and I get spooked easily. If I’m at work or at home, and if lights are on and doors are shut, that triggers all of that. Say if my daughters are gone for the weekend or if one of them just left. If somebody forgot to turn the light off in the bathroom upstairs, knowing that they all left and my husband is downstairs, well who’s in the bathroom?”
“Well who or what has been most helpful to you along the way?”
“My husband has put up with me. He understands me when I feel like nobody else does. He tries to help me, but it’s hard to help someone in this situation. Sometimes I just have to go to my special spot by myself that no one knows of. I go there and think even though I don’t always know what I’m thinking about.”
“That’s great that he’s there for you and can help you in some ways.”
“Well I guess but the depression and anxiety kinda unintentionally interfere with relationships, so it’s hard for him to help me. And this may just be me, but sometimes I feel like other people are judging me because it’s been so hard for me. When the police were there and I was all frantic, the officer looked at me and said, “You’re a nurse, you’ve seen dead people before.” He didn’t understand though that it wasn’t the dead person that freaked me out. In one sense it was but it was more so the situation. You don’t understand why it happens. I used to work in the emergency room and I’ve been around the trauma before. I’ve seen dead people before but it’s just a crazy circumstance. You just don’t have control over it-- it almost controls you. People don’t understand. It’s not that I choose to be this way. It’s not that I don’t want to get better. It is what it is though and I’m trying to get help.”
“I’m glad that you have been putting in effort towards recovering though.”
A voice came over the intercom stating that my stop was next. I begin to gather my belongings as Nadine wraps up her story.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that-- what’s kind of ironic is that right around the same time this happened with me, one of the guys who comes in to do preventive maintenance for us, had a situation with himself. He found a lump on his head and ended up being off work for 3-4 months. He came back and he was so freaked out about the whole situation. His boss and I talked and he said you know, “People just can’t judge how a person reacts to a stressful situation.” A lot of times, PTSD has to do with previous traumatic experiences. You don’t know how many it can be until PTSD is triggered. In talking with my therapist, there was physical, emotional, and verbal abuse with my ex. And my son almost died a couple times. My therapist said that with each traumatic experience, it’s that much harder to bounce back. It’s the whole idea of the unknown. You don’t know when it can happen or what will trigger it.”
Nadine paused, and took a deep breath. “I never really understood post traumatic stress disorder until I was diagnosed with it.”
“Alright Nadine, this is my stop. I wish we could continue to talk. I really appreciate you opening up to me and sharing your story. Maybe if you still find yourself riding the rails when I’m ready to head home, we will meet again. ‘Till then Nadine.” She looked up at me with the saddest eyes but softest smile and pleasantly said, “I’d like that.”
